ME AS FUCK

Fam.
I'm moving again. Lord have mercy that is like the 7th time that I have moved in the past four years. I'm going to grad school at UPenn in about three weeks, but you would not think that if you looked at my room. No for real, it's a god damn mess; there's barely room to walk. Wasn't that supposed to go away when I became an adult or something?
Anyway, I graduated since we last spoke and I don't feel any different. I wasn't suddenly given superpowers or a million bucks (I wish). I'm just me procrastinating as always. Life has been dull and repetitive; I haven't even tried to pack, and I'm just sitting around pretending like there ain't shit happening. All I have been doing is planning out my apartment in my head (and on various online planning sites). LOL, I'm just going to need like 2,000+ dollars to do it.
That's my update. I'm boring as fuck because now I am an adult and all I do is read, watch HGTV and wish that I had friends to go to the club with. Serious note: how do you go out and get drunk alone as a single woman in NYC?
If you read this far through my boring ass summer life, here's a hilarious meme that my friend sent me for your enjoyment. ME AS FUCK

End of My Final Semester Panic

Ugh! I'm literally going crazy. I decided to wear jeans today and although they are fine on the top, I can feel them squeezing my thighs, and I just want to run out of my internship screaming and throw myself in bed forever. It's only one, and I'm at work until three, and I am literally losing my fucking mind. I can feel my belly folding over my jeans, and I wish I was rich enough to get liposuction.
To make it worse, after a week of restricting my calories  I haven't dropped an ounce. I am so frustrated.
My hair is a damn mess; my hamper has exploded all over my room. I don't have a fucking summer job. My loans won't disperse until August, but I need to secure a place to live before then. My senior project is due next week and I'm not even close to done with it and my stupid pants are trying to kill me!!! I want to cry, but I seriously just need to chill. I'm going to just eat vegetables because my stupid fucking body refuses to get smaller and I hate myself for gaining weight.
I have school work, but the worst part is that I don't even care, but not caring isn't an option. How the hell do people do this. I'm going to run away and never come back. Stupid lack of funds makes that impossible. I can't deal with this. I think I'm having a panic attack, except that I'm not hyperventilating. I need air.
This is what it's really like to graduate. Be warned that it's a lot of stress and all of my senior friends walk around looking like someone has sucked their souls out. I'm sure it will be better once classes are officially over and once I can fit into my pants again.
Hopefully next time I won't be on the edge.

Work, Work, Work, Work and Gaining Weight

Hello Internet People,

It is Friday now, and I am happy as fuck. I only have one class on Fridays, but I have internship and work until 8, yet I am still cheery because TGIF. The weekends really don't mean shit to me, but I still get happy cause I don't have class. Anyway, It's also payday, and I worked a lot in the last two weeks, so I was ready to get paid. LOL just kidding, I have bills to pay. This was literally me three hours after getting paid.

It's okay, though. I may only have 30 dollars in my account, but my bills are paid, I have a roof over my head, access to wifi and things that pass as food in my house. Life is good. I will force myself to go to the gym today at 3, even though all I ate was a blueberry muffin this morning.
As you all know, I lost about fifty pounds a couple of years ago. Since then I have steadily gained about fifteen pounds, and now none of my clothes fit me.  My biggest worry was that I would gain weight, and it happened. That seriously depressed me for a bit, but now I have gotten into the mindset that I will just be more active and try to get back into going to the gym. I haven't tracked my calories, but I have cut my portion sizes because they were like three times too big, and I was eating the whole plate...Oops.
Anyway, it fucking sucks that I can't wear jeans and that none of my skirts fit. I'm like Regina George when the only thing that fits her is sweatpants. Thankfully none of my friends have said I can't sit with them. However, I will survive.
Until next time

Graduation Looming

Okay,

So I graduate in four weeks, and I am freaking out. I am going to grad school immediately after, which is one of the traditional routes, but I am not sure if that's the right choice for me. I just don't know if I'm a traditional person.

I am excited to expand my knowledge, but I'm also very tempted just to take a gap year and explore the world or teach abroad before I come back to school. Traveling the world tempts me because going to grad school for a year will cost me 73,000 dollars and that is more than three times what I paid for all four of my undergraduate years. I could teach English abroad and get to see the world while also earning some money. Why is this so confusing, and why am I suddenly doubting myself now? I don't want more debt, but a girl also got no money, so how I would be able to afford to send myself abroad is questionable. A girl also got no job and no idea of how to even begin to search for one.

But, I am afraid that if I take a year off and see more of the world, I won't come back, and I'll always wonder, what if? I trust my instincts, but they seem to be going in two different directions, so I have no idea what my flipping instinct is at this point. I for real am at a loss. Like should I start applying for jobs, or should I go straight to grad school? I don't know, but I'm leaning towards grad school. I also think that I have no idea what I'm doing, and there should have been a class called Get Your Life Together: A course on how to live like a real adult post graduation.

Graduating is STRESSFUL! I want my mommy :(

P.S. My toilet keeps flushing itself and it creeps me the fuck out. I'm like Carrie with no Aiden to fix it for me.

I Still Exist

Hello anyone that is still out there.

I have been awful at updating this. It has has been a year since I have posted anything. Hmm... I don't even know where to start, so I will start with updating you all on what the heck has been happening. So, the rest of that semester was shit because my anxiety and depression were at its worst. Whatever, because I feel great now! I went to London; it was fun as hell, and I for real want to move there. I would, but it was expensive. No, really like I needed five roommates just to afford rent, and I am not about that life anymore. Maybe I'll move to China or South Korea. One of my friends is moving to South Korea, and I am second hand excited. You might not know this, but I seriously want to go to China or Asia. So much so that the first house that I will buy will probably be in Thailand because I will need rental income, and as I've learned, I will be paid next to nothing.

I graduate from College next month, and I have no idea what the fuck I want to do. I'm going to grad school in the fall at the Graduate School of Education at the University of Pennsylvania. I am pumped because I applied to three Ivy League schools and got into all three, but UPenn was always my number one choice. Now, I know that sounds like bragging, but I barely made it through high school, and now I feel like I made it. So, I will shamelessly be proud of myself.

What's it like to be a senior in college? To be honest, I really don't care about much of anything and am on a vacation in my mind most of the time. I also know that I can't goof off because I have two fifty-five page manuscripts and a twenty-page portfolio due in three weeks. LOL CAN YOU HEAR THE BREAKDOWN IN MY VOICE? I'm also eerily calm so take that as a sign that I have reached maximum stress. It's fine because it will all be over soon and then I will cry at how quickly time went. No for real, for anyone entering college make the most of it because it does go by in the blink of an eye. You don't want to get to graduation and realize that you didn't do what you wanted to do. Say what you mean to say and all of that Jazz.

On a final note, I have serious FOMO and jealousy because it is Coachella but I'm a broke student with responsibility and debt, so I am not over there. Also, I got a Lorac Pro Palette, and I love it.  I'm also at work, and there is either a garbage truck outside or a major accident. I'm going to go with a garbage truck. I will commit to posting at least twice a week. I might have a project in the works, so I will hopefully get to that.

Goodbye for now

Barcelona or Greece?

Official update!
My flight leaves for London on August 11th. Many of my friends have gotten into the London program, so I will not be traveling alone. Since I am getting there a week early, I am deciding where I want to go. I have narrowed it down to two options. I have always wanted to go to Greece, but I think it would be more of a learning experience than a fun let's go nuts experience. Barcelona would be amazing, but here is where I am hesitant. I keep hearing that they're super racist, and obviously, I am not white. Still, I think Barcelona would be amazing. Are people in Spain actually racist?

I don't know, but racism is not going to stop me from going to Barcelona. I am pretty much already decided on where I'm going to go, and clearly my first stop is Barcelona. Unfortunately, travel is expensive, so I am trying to gather some money by applying to scholarships. I have applied to two so far, and I am applying to a few more. If any of you want to vote for my essay, I will be forever grateful.
http://www.wyzant.com/scholarships/v5/essay108074-New_York-NY.aspx. 

Now that I have finished shamelessly self-promoting, I will tell you guys about the trip that I am going to take this week. A couple of girlfriends and I will be taking a vacation to Disney! I have already told you all of this, but I am more than excited, especially because we are leaving to Florida the day after tomorrow. Midterms are completed; all that's left to do is go to my last classes tomorrow.

Lol just kidding, I have to finish packing, and I have to clean my house. I love living alone, but I live in a big house, and somehow all of my stuff has ended up everywhere. As a student and a part-time worker, I am rarely home, and when I am, I just want to do nothing. That is not an option, as inspections are conducted every time that there is a college break. Whatever though, I have made some progress, and I'm sure that I can finish it by tonight (I hope).

For the sake of a shorter blog, I will post what else has been going on in another post. I promised that things would get more exciting, and they will. Starting this Saturday.

Self Doubt

Have you ever had a friend say something about you, and you start to wonder if it's true? Criticism is easy to dismiss from a stranger, because what do you care if they don't like you. My friend said I was self-absorbed. That seriously hurt my feelings because I try to be considerate of other people's feelings, yet I am coming off as self-absorbed. I can't think of one time that I was listening to my friend's problem, and I thought of myself. I do agree that I tend to give advice, but that's only because I want to help you work through whatever is bothering you and to help come up with some solutions, so you don't feel bad about yourself.

Now I'm questioning if I'm self-absorbed, and if I'm a bad friend. I also wonder if she's just upset? I'll have to talk to her because I'm going to think of that. One negative comment from a friend and I doubt who I am. I talk about myself a lot to my therapist, but that's the point of therapy. I'm honestly really hurt and trying to think of how I am self-absorbed. Ouch.

I am just going to have to work through this personal crisis, and I think that spending time with some different friends would be good for the both of us.

I'm also going to start journaling again because there are some things that I need to work through that don't need to go on the internet.