Ugh! I'm literally going crazy. I decided to wear jeans today and although they are fine on the top, I can feel them squeezing my thighs, and I just want to run out of my internship screaming and throw myself in bed forever. It's only one, and I'm at work until three, and I am literally losing my fucking mind. I can feel my belly folding over my jeans, and I wish I was rich enough to get liposuction.
To make it worse, after a week of restricting my calories I haven't dropped an ounce. I am so frustrated.
My hair is a damn mess; my hamper has exploded all over my room. I don't have a fucking summer job. My loans won't disperse until August, but I need to secure a place to live before then. My senior project is due next week and I'm not even close to done with it and my stupid pants are trying to kill me!!! I want to cry, but I seriously just need to chill. I'm going to just eat vegetables because my stupid fucking body refuses to get smaller and I hate myself for gaining weight.
I have school work, but the worst part is that I don't even care, but not caring isn't an option. How the hell do people do this. I'm going to run away and never come back. Stupid lack of funds makes that impossible. I can't deal with this. I think I'm having a panic attack, except that I'm not hyperventilating. I need air.
This is what it's really like to graduate. Be warned that it's a lot of stress and all of my senior friends walk around looking like someone has sucked their souls out. I'm sure it will be better once classes are officially over and once I can fit into my pants again.
Hopefully next time I won't be on the edge.
Thursday, April 28, 2016
Friday, April 22, 2016
Work, Work, Work, Work and Gaining Weight
Hello Internet People,
It is Friday now, and I am happy as fuck. I only have one class on Fridays, but I have internship and work until 8, yet I am still cheery because TGIF. The weekends really don't mean shit to me, but I still get happy cause I don't have class. Anyway, It's also payday, and I worked a lot in the last two weeks, so I was ready to get paid. LOL just kidding, I have bills to pay. This was literally me three hours after getting paid.
It's okay, though. I may only have 30 dollars in my account, but my bills are paid, I have a roof over my head, access to wifi and things that pass as food in my house. Life is good. I will force myself to go to the gym today at 3, even though all I ate was a blueberry muffin this morning.
As you all know, I lost about fifty pounds a couple of years ago. Since then I have steadily gained about fifteen pounds, and now none of my clothes fit me. My biggest worry was that I would gain weight, and it happened. That seriously depressed me for a bit, but now I have gotten into the mindset that I will just be more active and try to get back into going to the gym. I haven't tracked my calories, but I have cut my portion sizes because they were like three times too big, and I was eating the whole plate...Oops.
Anyway, it fucking sucks that I can't wear jeans and that none of my skirts fit. I'm like Regina George when the only thing that fits her is sweatpants. Thankfully none of my friends have said I can't sit with them. However, I will survive.
Until next time
It is Friday now, and I am happy as fuck. I only have one class on Fridays, but I have internship and work until 8, yet I am still cheery because TGIF. The weekends really don't mean shit to me, but I still get happy cause I don't have class. Anyway, It's also payday, and I worked a lot in the last two weeks, so I was ready to get paid. LOL just kidding, I have bills to pay. This was literally me three hours after getting paid.
As you all know, I lost about fifty pounds a couple of years ago. Since then I have steadily gained about fifteen pounds, and now none of my clothes fit me. My biggest worry was that I would gain weight, and it happened. That seriously depressed me for a bit, but now I have gotten into the mindset that I will just be more active and try to get back into going to the gym. I haven't tracked my calories, but I have cut my portion sizes because they were like three times too big, and I was eating the whole plate...Oops.
Anyway, it fucking sucks that I can't wear jeans and that none of my skirts fit. I'm like Regina George when the only thing that fits her is sweatpants. Thankfully none of my friends have said I can't sit with them. However, I will survive.
Until next time
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Graduation Looming
Okay,
So I graduate in four weeks, and I am freaking out. I am going to grad school immediately after, which is one of the traditional routes, but I am not sure if that's the right choice for me. I just don't know if I'm a traditional person.
I am excited to expand my knowledge, but I'm also very tempted just to take a gap year and explore the world or teach abroad before I come back to school. Traveling the world tempts me because going to grad school for a year will cost me 73,000 dollars and that is more than three times what I paid for all four of my undergraduate years. I could teach English abroad and get to see the world while also earning some money. Why is this so confusing, and why am I suddenly doubting myself now? I don't want more debt, but a girl also got no money, so how I would be able to afford to send myself abroad is questionable. A girl also got no job and no idea of how to even begin to search for one.
But, I am afraid that if I take a year off and see more of the world, I won't come back, and I'll always wonder, what if? I trust my instincts, but they seem to be going in two different directions, so I have no idea what my flipping instinct is at this point. I for real am at a loss. Like should I start applying for jobs, or should I go straight to grad school? I don't know, but I'm leaning towards grad school. I also think that I have no idea what I'm doing, and there should have been a class called Get Your Life Together: A course on how to live like a real adult post graduation.
Graduating is STRESSFUL! I want my mommy :(
P.S. My toilet keeps flushing itself and it creeps me the fuck out. I'm like Carrie with no Aiden to fix it for me.
So I graduate in four weeks, and I am freaking out. I am going to grad school immediately after, which is one of the traditional routes, but I am not sure if that's the right choice for me. I just don't know if I'm a traditional person.
I am excited to expand my knowledge, but I'm also very tempted just to take a gap year and explore the world or teach abroad before I come back to school. Traveling the world tempts me because going to grad school for a year will cost me 73,000 dollars and that is more than three times what I paid for all four of my undergraduate years. I could teach English abroad and get to see the world while also earning some money. Why is this so confusing, and why am I suddenly doubting myself now? I don't want more debt, but a girl also got no money, so how I would be able to afford to send myself abroad is questionable. A girl also got no job and no idea of how to even begin to search for one.
But, I am afraid that if I take a year off and see more of the world, I won't come back, and I'll always wonder, what if? I trust my instincts, but they seem to be going in two different directions, so I have no idea what my flipping instinct is at this point. I for real am at a loss. Like should I start applying for jobs, or should I go straight to grad school? I don't know, but I'm leaning towards grad school. I also think that I have no idea what I'm doing, and there should have been a class called Get Your Life Together: A course on how to live like a real adult post graduation.
Graduating is STRESSFUL! I want my mommy :(
P.S. My toilet keeps flushing itself and it creeps me the fuck out. I'm like Carrie with no Aiden to fix it for me.
Monday, April 18, 2016
I Still Exist
Hello anyone that is still out there.
I have been awful at updating this. It has has been a year since I have posted anything. Hmm... I don't even know where to start, so I will start with updating you all on what the heck has been happening. So, the rest of that semester was shit because my anxiety and depression were at its worst. Whatever, because I feel great now! I went to London; it was fun as hell, and I for real want to move there. I would, but it was expensive. No, really like I needed five roommates just to afford rent, and I am not about that life anymore. Maybe I'll move to China or South Korea. One of my friends is moving to South Korea, and I am second hand excited. You might not know this, but I seriously want to go to China or Asia. So much so that the first house that I will buy will probably be in Thailand because I will need rental income, and as I've learned, I will be paid next to nothing.
I graduate from College next month, and I have no idea what the fuck I want to do. I'm going to grad school in the fall at the Graduate School of Education at the University of Pennsylvania. I am pumped because I applied to three Ivy League schools and got into all three, but UPenn was always my number one choice. Now, I know that sounds like bragging, but I barely made it through high school, and now I feel like I made it. So, I will shamelessly be proud of myself.
What's it like to be a senior in college? To be honest, I really don't care about much of anything and am on a vacation in my mind most of the time. I also know that I can't goof off because I have two fifty-five page manuscripts and a twenty-page portfolio due in three weeks. LOL CAN YOU HEAR THE BREAKDOWN IN MY VOICE? I'm also eerily calm so take that as a sign that I have reached maximum stress. It's fine because it will all be over soon and then I will cry at how quickly time went. No for real, for anyone entering college make the most of it because it does go by in the blink of an eye. You don't want to get to graduation and realize that you didn't do what you wanted to do. Say what you mean to say and all of that Jazz.
On a final note, I have serious FOMO and jealousy because it is Coachella but I'm a broke student with responsibility and debt, so I am not over there. Also, I got a Lorac Pro Palette, and I love it. I'm also at work, and there is either a garbage truck outside or a major accident. I'm going to go with a garbage truck. I will commit to posting at least twice a week. I might have a project in the works, so I will hopefully get to that.
Goodbye for now
I have been awful at updating this. It has has been a year since I have posted anything. Hmm... I don't even know where to start, so I will start with updating you all on what the heck has been happening. So, the rest of that semester was shit because my anxiety and depression were at its worst. Whatever, because I feel great now! I went to London; it was fun as hell, and I for real want to move there. I would, but it was expensive. No, really like I needed five roommates just to afford rent, and I am not about that life anymore. Maybe I'll move to China or South Korea. One of my friends is moving to South Korea, and I am second hand excited. You might not know this, but I seriously want to go to China or Asia. So much so that the first house that I will buy will probably be in Thailand because I will need rental income, and as I've learned, I will be paid next to nothing.
I graduate from College next month, and I have no idea what the fuck I want to do. I'm going to grad school in the fall at the Graduate School of Education at the University of Pennsylvania. I am pumped because I applied to three Ivy League schools and got into all three, but UPenn was always my number one choice. Now, I know that sounds like bragging, but I barely made it through high school, and now I feel like I made it. So, I will shamelessly be proud of myself.
What's it like to be a senior in college? To be honest, I really don't care about much of anything and am on a vacation in my mind most of the time. I also know that I can't goof off because I have two fifty-five page manuscripts and a twenty-page portfolio due in three weeks. LOL CAN YOU HEAR THE BREAKDOWN IN MY VOICE? I'm also eerily calm so take that as a sign that I have reached maximum stress. It's fine because it will all be over soon and then I will cry at how quickly time went. No for real, for anyone entering college make the most of it because it does go by in the blink of an eye. You don't want to get to graduation and realize that you didn't do what you wanted to do. Say what you mean to say and all of that Jazz.
On a final note, I have serious FOMO and jealousy because it is Coachella but I'm a broke student with responsibility and debt, so I am not over there. Also, I got a Lorac Pro Palette, and I love it. I'm also at work, and there is either a garbage truck outside or a major accident. I'm going to go with a garbage truck. I will commit to posting at least twice a week. I might have a project in the works, so I will hopefully get to that.
Goodbye for now
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